A New Plan

Events of late have me feeling like my life is pretty much out of control. And it is. Well, not out of control completely, but out of MY direct control, which is apparently pretty difficult for me. (Some day we'll talk about how I used to believe that I was a carefree and easy-going individual, until the one day when I realized I wasn't. But that's for another time.)

Having extra kiddos in the house has been a huge life change, to say the least. (The very least, believe me.) Not only that, but dealing with the pressure, stress, frustration, added responsibility, and downright naked fear that are associated with the reasons we have these extra kiddos is truly a job unto itself. Not to mention trying to help my own children navigate this unexpected scenario and healthily process the inherent strains it is putting on them. So, putting all these things together, added onto my already pretty full load of being Mom, Mommy, Caretaker, Cook, Budgeter, Shopper, Meal Planner, Accountant, Friend, Wife, Sister, Primary Counselor, Appointment-maker, Chauffeur, and Housekeeper Extraordinaire (ha!), you can begin to see why I have been stressed out lately. And not just my normal, I'm-kind-of-cranky-sometimes-and-I grind-my teeth-at-night-stressed, but full-blown, overwhelmed-near-panic-attack-crying-every-day-can't-sleep-at-night-what's-happening-to-me-why-can't-I-see-my-way-out-of-being-stressed stressed.

Whew. I feel my shoulders tensing up just putting it into words.

In the wake of all of this, I have been trying to come up with a mantra, if you will; a one or two word phrase to help me calm my troubled self and move forward throughout each day without such relentless anxiety about everything; something simple to remind me what to do in difficult moments so that I can function at a much happier level. I had some contenders but could never settle on one. My top ideas were breathe, let go, and trust. Each of them were good, but I remained undecided and non-committal because none of them quite covered everything I wanted it to.

With this unresolved mantra-finding somewhere on the periphery of my thoughts, I randomly stumbled across this quote:

You don't always need a plan. 

Sometimes you just need to 

breathe, trust, let go

and see what happens.

--Mandy Hale

Well, I said "randomly," but I know that isn't true. I know that that quote was meant for me and for my anxious heart, to help me both in the exact in the moment that I read it, and for many days and months moving forward. I know that the Lord knew precisely that the thing I needed to focus on was to not focus on anything. That I don't necessarily have to subscribe to any one word or phrase, however inspirational they may be, to get me through what I'm facing each day. That my plan for peace and happiness can be a non-plan--one where I let go, trust in the Lord and have confidence in my own abilities, take as many deep breaths as I need, and just see what happens. Because no matter how much I cry or rant or pray, I can't control the outcome, regardless of whatever my good intentions or my faith or my righteous desires may be. So I might as well get used to not trying to fix what I can't personally fix. And I better start believing that He who can fix it will do so in His own time, in His own way, and for the benefit of His children, who He loves so very much. And that as long as I look to Him in my thoughts and actions, I will not only get by, but I will learn and grow and find incredible happiness in the process.

Letting go is certainly not as easy as it sounds. But I am absolutely going to try.

Bums, Bikes, and Blogging

I feel like I've been a stranger on this lovely blog of mine lately. It's almost as if there is SO much that I want to say that I cannot actually find the words for any of it. Every time I try, I end up just sitting here and staring at the screen, feeling powerless to articulate any reasonable line of thinking whatsoever. Sigh.

Life events over the past couple of months have both drained and filled me in ways that are incredibly difficult to describe. They have drained my physical, emotional, and spiritual energy, and all but erased my ability to think beyond the immediate and pressing needs of a million moments each day. Yet they have simultaneously filled my heart with love and hope, and helped me to understand that a life's work, while mired in stinky bums and crusty high chairs and homework for 4 and no ideas for dinner, is still a significant offering to a Heavenly Father who yearns for my peace and happiness. Especially when it is done with a desire to serve and honor Him, and with a clear knowledge that, like it or not, I am exactly where I am meant to be right now, doing precisely what I am meant to be doing.

Though I am humbled and frustrated daily in what feels like a serial inability to learn and grow as quickly as I would like to, I know that said growth will be for my good, and I pray fervently that, some day, it will do some modicum of good for others as well. 

For now, I am going to recommit to sharing more of my feelings and experiences on here, as I know that writing and sharing are a balm to my tired soul in a way that nothing else is. And, in the meantime, you can enjoy the sight of something that makes me so happy that it all but allows me to forget the many things that worry me and stress me out and keep me awake at night: 

Spencer on a bike.

ttfn

Christmas Blessings

Christmas 2015.

It came, but did not conquer. 

It did not deplete, overwhelm, or otherwise defeat me this year. And that is saying quite a lot, my friends. 

I won't lie...our does house look a little bit like Christmas threw up in every single room, and I have yet to find a home for the many new objects that were hastily unwrapped and enjoyed throughout the day by eight people yesterday. Yet, miraculously, the feeling in my heart today is not one of being let down or disappointed with the overall circus that sometimes comprises this most special of holidays, as it too often is; it is one of true peace. 

True peace and amazement at the priceless gift of the tiny, innocent Christ-child on that first Christmas night. True reverence for my Savior--the perfect man that that child grew up to be--and for what He has done for me, over and over and over in my very imperfect life. For offering comfort. Help. Support. Validation. Wisdom. Peace. Inspiration. Mercy. Love. For helping me find faith when I had none. Helping me recognize blessings when I saw none. Helping me to work, and smile, and trudge on in the face of challenges and adversity so overwhelming as to almost overcome me completely.

These last two months have been some of the most difficult ones I have faced. As Christmas neared this year, I had a real fear that I would not actually be able to enjoy it. That the holidays would come and go, leaving me with a distinct sense of dissatisfaction and disappointment. But through the Lord's tender mercies, I found that just the opposite was true. Rather than feeling dejected, I feel refreshed, overjoyed, humbled. I feel whole in a way that I haven't for quite some time. And I know why.

It is because my biggest, most special, most important gift this year has been to come to truly know Him. To know my Savior and Redeemer in a way that days and weeks and months of relative ease cannot properly provide. To invite Him into my heart that in a way that only the most heart-wrenching, desperate, tear-spilled prayers can accomplish. To feel a comfort that I have never quite felt, because I have never needed it, or pleaded for it, quite as much as I have lately. To feel an unconditional love and acceptance from Him that is so exquisite, so sweet, that it is beyond my powers to fully describe.  

This Christmas was a gift. The perfect gift. From the perfect man, born as a perfect infant on a still, bright, perfect night thousands of years ago.

What a blessing to know that with my whole soul. And to know Him with every corner of my sometimes troubled, often tired, but always rejoicing heart.

Joy, Blessings, Peace

"Those who turn their lives over to God will find out that 

 He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. 

He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, 

quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, 

lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, 

increase their opportunities, comfort their souls,

 raise up friends, and pour out peace."

-Ezra Taft Benson

On My Side

Sometimes when you are living your life and trying hard to feel happy and fulfilled in doing everything that is required of you, a giant challenge comes along that you never, ever anticipated. And sometimes that challenge requires more of you--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--than you feel you actually have the capacity to give. Sometimes you wake up wanting to cry almost almost every day because of the weight upon you and because of the enormous and unfriendly feeling of inadequacy that has settled in your gut. You are not sure how you will get through the first half of the day, let alone through the many days and weeks and months that stretch ahead uncounted in front of you. Sometimes you miss your old life, even though you barely have time to think about how it used to be. Sometimes you have a moment of triumph in which you finally feel that you able to give all that is necessary for you to give. Other times you want to curl up and wave the white flag of surrender, and admit to yourself and the world that you are ready to give up, that you cannot go on, that you cannot handle one more second of what is now your new responsibility.

But thankfully, miraculously, mercifully, those are often the moments when the friends and loved ones who are on your side, who have been continually supporting you, and loving you, and encouraging you, step in to rally around you--praying for your comfort and strength, lending an ear and some much-needed validation, and telling you that you are not alone and that you can indeed do what is being asked of you.

And thankfully, miraculously, mercifully, they are also the moments when you see in your chosen partner, your husband and companion, your help-meet and best friend, a steadiness and helpfulness and an understanding that, while it is not surprising, you didn't quite grasp that he had stored up for times like this. They are the moments when the term "on my side," takes on an entirely new meaning as you realize just how on your side he is, how willing to support, and listen, and help you, and do anything for you, because he knows how hard it is and how hard you are trying. And you know that while he cannot take it away, he will do everything required to get you through the darkness of your sad and scary tunnel, shining his bright and loving light to help you through to the other side.

Sometimes you are married to Craig. And you know that somehow, whatever the crisis, with his help and with his love, everything is going to be okay.