This past year has truly been one of the most difficult for me. In every way it has stretched me and tried me to limits I did not realize I was even capable of reaching. And the truth is, I, alone, was not capable of the challenges presented to me: of the love and patience and sacrifice required every minute of every day over the past 13 months; of the emotional, physical, and mental energy necessary to meet the unending, ever-present needs of six young children, two of whom had been utterly displaced from their own family, four of whom felt displaced, despite remaining in their own home, because suddenly and unwelcomely, their parents were no longer available to them--neither in person nor in emotional presence--at the level that they had always been.
I did not do it. Not by myself. Not even for one second.
As our rather secure and predictable lives changed quite dramatically from one day to the next, I got to a place, very quickly, where I was able to recognize that I needed to rely on a strength and a power beyond my own. In my need, I was compelled to my knees. I pleaded for help. I knew I could not do it all--or any of it, for that matter--on my own.
As painful as it was to be humbled in the realization that I am utterly incapable in my own ridiculously imperfect efforts, I can see, and have seen, the tenderness and good that comes from it. Somehow there is power in becoming acquainted with our own weaknesses; there is an unexpected strength in recognizing that we cannot--and were never meant to--go through this life trying to figure things out on our own. That it's not asked or required or expected of us to simply muster, through sheer willpower, the courage and emotional fortitude to do all of the things that are asked of us each day, whatever their level of difficulty may be, however easy or manageable they may seem to someone else. There is something beautiful in knowing that even if my prescribed allotment of grit and gumption were more than they are (and let me tell you, they aren't much), I still wouldn't be required to do anything without the promise--and fulfillment--of heavenly help.I could not count, or measure, in any way, the amount of strength that has been afforded to me in my weakness. I could never express in words, the feelings of relief when prayers were heard and answered, when the burdens of guilt and inadequacy felt physically lifted from my shoulders, when angels from this realm and the next encouraged me and wouldn't allow me to surrender to my myriad fears or worries.
The love I have experienced from my Savior, the closeness I have felt to Him as I have learned of His power to lift and to heal is truly a cherished treasure. And the way I have been taught by Him to let go, embrace my insufficiencies, and accept the help and comfort He would give me is something for which I will forever be grateful.
It's been a hard, painful, frustrating, emotionally taxing year. One in which the phrase, "taking things one day at a time" has never had more meaning. Yet, despite my fits of sadness, and discouragement, and utter inadequacy, it has been a year of blessing upon blessing upon blessing. A year of uncomfortable, necessary growth. One that I will treasure forevermore.
A million thanks, Lord, for bringing me to my knees and granting me the opportunity to know Thee better.
