A New Plan

Events of late have me feeling like my life is pretty much out of control. And it is. Well, not out of control completely, but out of MY direct control, which is apparently pretty difficult for me. (Some day we'll talk about how I used to believe that I was a carefree and easy-going individual, until the one day when I realized I wasn't. But that's for another time.)

Having extra kiddos in the house has been a huge life change, to say the least. (The very least, believe me.) Not only that, but dealing with the pressure, stress, frustration, added responsibility, and downright naked fear that are associated with the reasons we have these extra kiddos is truly a job unto itself. Not to mention trying to help my own children navigate this unexpected scenario and healthily process the inherent strains it is putting on them. So, putting all these things together, added onto my already pretty full load of being Mom, Mommy, Caretaker, Cook, Budgeter, Shopper, Meal Planner, Accountant, Friend, Wife, Sister, Primary Counselor, Appointment-maker, Chauffeur, and Housekeeper Extraordinaire (ha!), you can begin to see why I have been stressed out lately. And not just my normal, I'm-kind-of-cranky-sometimes-and-I grind-my teeth-at-night-stressed, but full-blown, overwhelmed-near-panic-attack-crying-every-day-can't-sleep-at-night-what's-happening-to-me-why-can't-I-see-my-way-out-of-being-stressed stressed.

Whew. I feel my shoulders tensing up just putting it into words.

In the wake of all of this, I have been trying to come up with a mantra, if you will; a one or two word phrase to help me calm my troubled self and move forward throughout each day without such relentless anxiety about everything; something simple to remind me what to do in difficult moments so that I can function at a much happier level. I had some contenders but could never settle on one. My top ideas were breathe, let go, and trust. Each of them were good, but I remained undecided and non-committal because none of them quite covered everything I wanted it to.

With this unresolved mantra-finding somewhere on the periphery of my thoughts, I randomly stumbled across this quote:

You don't always need a plan. 

Sometimes you just need to 

breathe, trust, let go

and see what happens.

--Mandy Hale

Well, I said "randomly," but I know that isn't true. I know that that quote was meant for me and for my anxious heart, to help me both in the exact in the moment that I read it, and for many days and months moving forward. I know that the Lord knew precisely that the thing I needed to focus on was to not focus on anything. That I don't necessarily have to subscribe to any one word or phrase, however inspirational they may be, to get me through what I'm facing each day. That my plan for peace and happiness can be a non-plan--one where I let go, trust in the Lord and have confidence in my own abilities, take as many deep breaths as I need, and just see what happens. Because no matter how much I cry or rant or pray, I can't control the outcome, regardless of whatever my good intentions or my faith or my righteous desires may be. So I might as well get used to not trying to fix what I can't personally fix. And I better start believing that He who can fix it will do so in His own time, in His own way, and for the benefit of His children, who He loves so very much. And that as long as I look to Him in my thoughts and actions, I will not only get by, but I will learn and grow and find incredible happiness in the process.

Letting go is certainly not as easy as it sounds. But I am absolutely going to try.