Mommy. We all know the word. Sometimes we love it. Sometimes we hate it. And sometimes we wish it were our husband's name instead of ours.
Here is a recent conversation between the oldest and me:
J: "Mommy, Vanna and I are gonna play house, so when you hear me saying 'mommy,' I am talking to her and not you. If I need you, I'll just say 'mom.'"
Me: "Okay, honey."
A few seconds pass.
"Wait. Never mind. You can still be Mommy. I'll just call her Vanna."
Simple enough.
And then it hit me.
For better or worse, right now my name is Mommy. But...(gulp)very soon I am going to make the almost imperceptible transition from beautiful, talented, she-can-do-anything Mommy to just plain old Mom. (You know, that simple minded well-meaning lady that one lives with who really doesn't have a clue about anything or anyone.)
Plain old helpless Mom.
And then I had a memory from a moment 26 years ago. I was playing over at a friend's house and I heard him call his Mom "Mom." I remember how foreign to me the word sounded, as if he had just spouted out a line of French...and for a moment I felt silly that my own Mom was still "Mommy" to me. But I distinctly remember starting to feel better when I thought to myself, "but she's
not Mom. She's Mommy."
Fast forward a few years and the slow creeping change had inevitably come to pass. Mommy wasn't Mommy anymore, and what was once foreign was now commonplace and normal. At this point, saying "Mommy" would have been downright embarrassing, and "Mom" had taken officially over, trumping and prevailing over "Mommy," without me even noticing. Plain old Mom.
Back to the present.
As I wade through memories of teething babies, and vomitty sheets, and grocery store mishaps, and rowdy bedtimes and millions of meltdowns, and smashed fingers and blowing on food, and doctor's visits, and car trips, all the while struggling to be my best self and sometimes secretly (or not so secretly) crying because I just don't feel good enough for this job, I realize: Mommy is a title I have earned. It is something that I
get to be called. It is my right and it is my privilege.
And I better hold on to it as tight as I can while it lasts.